The Chelsea Riots

10/08/2011 § Leave a comment

“We’re just getting some breaking news in from Chelsea – a neighbourhood that has so far been very quiet. We go now to Damian Day at the scene.”

<cut to field reporter>

“Thank you Henry. The riots in London have taken a sinister turn today as violence seems to be spreading beyond the disaffected underclass. Now it seems that the upper middle class residents of Chelsea have also started looting. I’m outside the shattered shopfront of Panton’s deli, and, as you can see, there are olives everywhere.

<cut to video footage>

Trouble started at lunchtime when a group of twenty masked men and women broke into Michelin-starred restaurant Amaya – without reservations – and demanded a full tasting menu. The sommelier is reportedly still missing, and I’ve heard rumours that they may not have left a tip.

<footage of man breaking into a shop front>

This management consultant was caught on film breaking into a travel agents. Here, you can see him making his escape with a two week eco-break in the Maldives.

<footage of more shops being ransacked>

Nearby, a group of therapists ransacked a local Apple Store in an attempt to find a sense of meaning in a world filled with what they described as ‘shallow consumerism’.

<cut to vox-pops – posh man>

“Word out to all the brothers out in Tottenham. We’re with you, and we share your shoe size.


“Oh, I didn’t loot anything; but I came away with some wonderful ideas for the kitchen.”


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